When I was younger, this was an easy question to answer. My answer was a loud “YES”. Of course they would, after all, they took care of me all of my life, why wouldn’t I return the favor? I always questioned the motives of those who put their parents in nursing homes or other residential places. I always thought that maybe they didn’t love their parents as much as I. I thought that people who did that were selfish and uncaring.
As with everything else in life, not everything is so cut and dry. I learned these past few years that you have to do what is best for your parents and for your own health and sanity. Sometimes, that means moving them somewhere else whether you want to or not.
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Raising a Family and Caring For Mom and Dad
My story is an all too familiar one for the thousands of families out there who are struggling to care for their children and care for their parents. It’s tough doing it on your own as an individual, it’s even tougher doing it while juggling other responsibilities such as: work, children, and being there for your own spouse, and the most important, having time for yourself!
There was a time when my Dad lived with my sister Josie and her family in Northern California. My Dad was still healthy and working. The reason, my parents bought a home down here in San Diego. My dad wanted to retire from his job of 30 years, so he flew back and forth for a couple of years. Because of the generosity of both my sister and her late husband my dad was able to work another 4 years living with them and retire. His 4 year stay was peaceful, and he thrived, so did my niece who had the opportunity to build a beautiful relationship with him. He contributed to meals, he helped with repairs, homework and so much more.
Fast forward 15 years later, my Dad is not so healthy and needs some assistance. He has osteoarthritis in both knees, can barely walk, has slowed down in his mental capacity and is just more frail now. While my Dad did live with me for a little while last year, it didn’t feel right. Why? My mom was stuck at a board and care 45 minutes away from us. We were trying to figure out what to do with both of them because my mom’s dementia had progressed so much that they could not safely live by themselves anymore. She was too much for me to care for because I have a toddler to raise. Could you imagine changing not only my daughter’s diapers but my mom’s as well? She wasn’t walking anymore and barely talking.
My home is too small and my sister now lives in a condo. There was no way my husband, daughter, and parents could live together in one roof. Something had to be done that would be best for all of us.
Health vs. Sickness
So when is it ok to have Mom or Dad or both live with you? It’s a personal choice for everyone. It also depends on how many people are willing to lend a helping hand, what financial resources are available and how Mom and Dad feel. Obviously,one parent is easier to care for than two. However, if that parent has health needs that go beyond the scope of what you are capable of providing, then they really should be in a place that could accommodate their health needs. If they are healthy, I don’t see why that would be a problem. It worked for my sister and dad in the past.
What’s best for Mom and Dad
I felt guilty when my sister and I first toyed with the idea of sending them to a couple of places including a board and care and assisted living community. This was after moving them from their house and then to an apartment. I was suddenly one of “those people” who put their parents in a home. After those 2 places didn’t work out, we had to send my mom to another board and care while my dad came to stay with me. We went back and forth whether to keep them together or apart, but ultimately in the end, they couldn’t for their own quality of life. They were separated from each other and we couldn’t let them live the rest of their lives apart. Yet, they couldn’t stay with me either. So, I struggled with that for a few months.
While none of those places worked out, we discovered that they are the happiest and healthiest together in their own place. Luckily for us, we have been blessed with a private caregiver who has been generous and compassionate to our needs. Although, we haven’t ruled out another board and care in the future should circumstances change. I personally believe it is the next best choice to home.
So what is the answer to, “Should Mom and Dad Live with Me?” . I think it should always be a MAYBE until you figure out all possible scenarios.
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