Family Tension and Caregiving

If you read some of the posts I have written in the past regarding caregiving issues, you may think that everything is pretty much black and white for my sister and I. It would seem that we have a set plan and then follow it to the “T” and then share that information with you. But, of course I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t say that alot of things that we do are out of trial and error. We’re still learning and growing along the way. We’re also burdened with many responsibilities other than our parents’ caregiving needs. There are  times when we fight like cats and dogs, other times we get frustrated with other members of the family and times where we just cope with things on our own.

Resentment and Responsibility

I know every family is different. Families differ in values, culture, dynamics, size, attitudes, etc. You get the drift. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I come from a big family. There are 3 boys and 3 girls. I’m the youngest, Josie is the middle child. Our other sister that helps out on the weekends is the 2nd oldest. While alot of the responsibility falls  on our shoulders, so have the differing views and attitudes regarding our parents’ care. All of my life, Josie has always been the “rock” of our family. For whatever reason she’s always been the one to take care of things. In many families, the oldest child usually takes on that role. Not so in our case. But since our dad’s stroke 9 years ago, I took a more active role in the decision making that goes with regards to their care.  So, in a way, I’ve been Josie’s side kick. But with that, also comes our very independent, and assertive personalities. We’ve both expressed frustration and resentment towards other members of the family that have not taken a more active role in the decisions and the care of our parents. Of course, we also understand that for some of them, whether by distance, lack of understanding or all of the above, they cannot be here. So, on we go with our daily routines and do the best we can. It isn’t easy though and caregiving is something that goes unappreciated sometimes or if you have it worse, always!

My Way, Your Way, No Way

Since Dad got sick last month, tension between my sisters and I has grown a bit  but mostly with myself vs. Josie,  my other sister vs. Josie and then a little bit with Josie and I vs. our other sister.   While I know that tension is a normal thing that occurs between family members regarding the long term care of parents, it can be quite frustrating. Before, Mom’s needs were really our main focus. Yes, Dad had his needs too, but he was, for the most part, independent. Now, both he and Mom need constant care. So I can only assume that the workload that’s increased is a main factor behind our squabbles.

One thing, is that I am very head strong. I don’t like answering to anyone. I’m very independent. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Josie’s the same way. So when we disagree on things or she’s venting and I take her the wrong way, we start fighting. Part of it is, that she likes things done her way. She’s very particular. I don’t like anyone hovering over my shoulder. Can you see where this can go?

Coming to Terms and Acceptance

With strong personalities, disagreements are bound to occur. So, luckily for us, we understand that and we don’t stay mad at each other for too long. For some families, this might be a challenge especially if you add a stubborn personality to the mix. For us, I think a lot of it is that our lives have been put on hold. I can’t speak for my other sisters, but for myself. From my point of view, it’s a bit unfair for my daughter. Since my dad has come home, I’ve been spending most of my weekends with my sisters trying to help out. Instead of taking my little girl to the park, or out to Seaworld, to the beach, I’m dragging her over to their house. Obviously, she enjoys seeing her grandparents and I really think she should because I don’t know if she’ll remember them much when she’s older. But at the same, time I can’t really have a normal life with her or my husband. My husband and I haven’t had a “date” night in awhile. But, if I think about how different my life is compared to peers, I can see a mixed blessing. It’s something I can share my friends and others who may need my help and advice in the future. It also gives me something to teach my daughter about caring for loved ones.

So how do I accept things? I try to think about the future I want to provide for her. I’m working hard at our business and try to remain positive through all of this despite all of the setbacks. 

Goals

With each new challenge, new goals arise to tackle that challenge. I think that the biggest challenge for us thus far is the financial one. I’m working on medi-cal (medicaid) for our parents as their funds deplete with all of the prescription, housing and caregiving costs. Hopefully with this help, we can apply for IHSS (In home support services) which is offered down here in San Diego. IHSS will help us with the extra caregiving help which we all need! 

What do you think your major issues are with other family members? How do you handle them?

Tags: caregiver depression, caregiver stress, Decision making, Long-Term Care

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 29th, 2009 at 12:33 am and is filed under Blog, Caregiving, Coping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.