Something sad happened last week to one of my best friends from childhood. Her grandpa died. It was the 2nd death in he family in less than a year. In October, her grandma died. Both of them had complications from Alzheimers (Grandma) and Parkinsons (Grandpa). It made me think of my own parents who thankfully, I still have. They are around the same age as her grandparents.

Just imagine. Her grandma died first,  and her grandpa — I think he died from a broken heart to be honest. When I attended the viewing on Tuesday, I listened to her relatives tell stories about him and the undying love he had for her grandma. They were together 66 years! Imagine that. I can’t even fathom the thought of what it must be like to lose someone who had been a part of your life for 66 years . I’ve been with my husband for a total of 11, and I can’t bear the thought of him being gone for a second. That person literally becomes a part of you. Her grandpa it seems, just lost the will to live and passed in his sleep.

From Loss to Hope

I’m not a religious person so to speak. I am a Christian but have never been one to attend church on a regular basis even though I was raised Catholic. It’s only recently that I started participating in church activities with my husband and daughter. Nevertheless, I’ve always been a person of faith and spirituality.  So for people like me, turning feelings of loss in to feelings of hope would seem a little easier than someone who did not believe in any afterlife. Am I being to presumptious? I don’t know. I have an atheist friend but have never talked at length with him on dealing with death  and coping with those feelings.

But after hearing my friend’s relatives speak, I felt this feeling of happiness come over me regarding her grandpa. I didn’t know him that well even though I’ve been friends with her for over 24 years. Happiness? Yes happiness. Here he was suffering from Parkinson’s Disease. Everyone was busy tending to his needs because Grandma was in good health. Then all of a sudden, in just a matter of months, she was gone. She was suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s Disease but died of something completely different. Now here he was, alone in their home with a caregiver. Sure his daughters ( my friend’s mom and aunt) were an everyday fixture in the house (much like Josie and I are at our parents’ house) but the love of his life was no longer in the bed next to him. It was just this empty void. I was happy because he was free! He was free from his illness, free of the ills of this world and now he was going home to his wife! I think that although many tears were shed that day, her relatives had the same feeling.

Guilty Feelings

I started thinking about my own parents and the inevitable event that will occur hopefully not too soon in the future. My dad, even though he had that pneumonia bout he almost died from back in February, he’s still in good shape as long as we are on top of his care. My mom, she’s also healthy. Mom though, is in the middle-late stage of Alzheimer’s. She doesn’t talk. She might say 1-3 words here and there if you ask her questions, but she can’t initiate a conversation anymore really. She can’t walk anymore. She’s incontinent. She can’t really move too much. She has no teeth because we had to have her teeth extracted because they were rotten from years of neglect from her. (When she was healthy she refused to go to the dentist on a regular basis because she was scared). I look at her sometimes and this little part of me wants her to be relieved from all of this pain. But then my heart breaks because I can’t even bear the thought of losing her. I start to feel guilty and torn about my feelings. I wonder if this is how others feel, who are in the same position as I.

Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I picture myself in her condition. I don’t even think that I want to live that long if that is what my future beholds. That is not living. It’s just merely existing.

Gratitude

Yet with those feelings of guilt and anger over what she is going through, I am so grateful to have her and Dad in my life still. The fact is, we don’t know when we’re going to live until we’re 80 or until were 30. I’m just grateful for the time that I have with them, for however long that will be. I still struggle everyday on how to cope with their situation.

It’s easy to read what I write on this website and say, “oh she’s doing alright”. But really, it’s a struggle. I’m just like the millions of others out there struggling with the same issues. I go through the same feelings, ask the same questions. I really try to prepare myself for the inevitable in the hopes that I will be strong enough to handle it. But, honestly, I don’t think that anyone can properly prepare themselves for death. I mean, I just watched “Farrah’s Story” the other day. I felt so bad for Farrah Fawcett and her family. After she’s gone, her elderly father is the only one left. How do you deal with that on both ends?

So everyday, I just try to be as positive as possible and enjoy life as best as I know how. I have my moments of failure but I keep trying.

~rose