ALL family members if possible, should share the responsibilities in caring for their elderly parent (s) when that parent can no longer care of themselves or needs assistance in doing so.I’ve read countless fliers, information brochures, and other fact sheets on how to approach parental care. Truth of the matter is, (and we all know this from our own experiences) things aren’t so cut and dry as these “advice” sheets from professional groups would have you believe.
Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold an actual meeting with your relatives to discuss issues regarding your parents. Many of us are separated by distance, or because of family tension, emotional issues, financial issues, etc. Whatever the issue may be, a formal meeting may be impossible.
In our case, our family “meeting” involved emailing our brother who lives in Northern California and talking to him when he comes down to visit with his family. Though there are six of us in our family, unfortunately, not all six of us are fully on board with the situation. I’ll save the family drama for later, but let’s just say that having a large family doesn’t necessarily mean we have all the help we can get. We don’t have extended family, as my parents immigrated to the U.S. alone from the Philippines and have not maintained contact with our family back home, so it’s just Mom, Dad and the children.
The Meeting
So, perhaps you are able to get on board with your family. Where do you start? What do you talk about? Probably, the best piece of advice I can give you would be, don’t expect to have ANYTHING solved with 1,2 or 200 meetings. Circumstances change, people change, feelings change. The purpose of the meeting really, is to shed light on your parents’ situation, however complex it may be and TRY to come up with some viable solutions that all of you will need to be flexible about working towards.
Time for Chores Again
Probably the most important issue in conducting a meeting would be to decide who is responsible for what. How do you decide who will be responsible for what? In our case we have to put on many hats, because it’s just the 2 of us. However, since my sister has an extensive financial background in her previous occupations, she has taken over their finances. Since my dad’s stroke 8 years ago, I have been the primary “medical” person. I have taken both he and my mom to most of their doctor’s appointments and have a thorough knowledge of their medical histories. Our brother offers input on different subjects from time to time and has offered financial assistance when the time calls for it. Our other sister has taken over nursing duties for our mom when our main caregiver takes her days off. Not all of this has been easy, and we still struggle, but we are working towards a goal and that is to make sure they live the rest of their lives peacefully and that we keep our sanity.
Things to Consider
Topics to discuss and to consider are listed below.
- Latest Medical History and needs<
- Emotional Needs
- Fears: both shared by parents and children about dying, being overwhelmed, changes in family dynamics after the death of a family member
- Daily Caregiving Needs: should they move in with someone, stay at home, or a facility?Safety?
- Financial Concerns
- Legal Concerns
- What type of support do they need? How will it change if their illness progresses?
There’s alot more to consider, but these are good areas to start if not, the most important areas. Think about what may be specific to your family situation too and hopefully, with proper planning, preparation and cooperation, your parents and your lives should run as smoothly as possible.
