When Mom is unhappy at Assisted Living

After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so terrible?

terrible? We do have the option of her coming to live with me in Tennessee, however she has lived most of her 90 years in California.
I am the only family member that does not live close to the assisted living facility. Read original post

This is a sad case that many of us who are or were caregivers have experienced from one time or another. I remember this quite well when we moved Mom and Dad to their first assisted living facility three years ago. At first it seemed like it would be a great thing, but turned out to be one of the hard and costly “learning lessons” we’ve had to go through. Granted, they were only in the facility for about a month but we knew that even letting them stay there longer would only make them more miserable. In fact, our mom had to be separated from Dad and was in the locked wing of the building in the Alzheimer’s unit. It was very hard for Dad as he’s always done everything with Mom. The facility managers tried to convince us that it was a temporary state of mind that they would get used to things there.

To this day I don’t know if they were right or wrong. What  I do know is what we did what we felt was right at the time. Assisted Living can be great for some, and not so great for others. I think it really depends on if your parent’s personality. At the same time, you have to ask yourself, is it better that they stay at home alone or be surrounded by strangers? It’s  very difficult decision. In some ways, Assisted Living has its advantages because they’re always buzzing with activities and for  your parent this can add stimulation. The problem is, it is completely voluntary. While you can request a staff member to accompany your parent to the activities, your parent may refuse and choose to stay in their room.

So, then, what do you do? I can only say that one or two months should be enough time for a parent to adjust to their surroundings. But if after that time frame, things aren’t improving and getting worse (Mom or Dad are showing signs of depression and reclusiveness), then I’d seriously consider moving them back home and hiring someone or putting them in adult day care. Moving them around to different places isn’t a good idea. We learned that lesson all to well. Lots of time and money wasted, as well as an emotional and physical impact on our mom. Her health deteriorated greatly after falling several times at each facility she was at.

The best thing to do is to thoroughly evaluate your parent’s situation BEFORE you move them anywhere. Once they are moved to a place that’s new, make sure you make it as comfortable is possible. Don’t just drop them off and leave. Take some time off of work, spend a week or two to help them get adjusted. Hopefully this caregiver is able to resolve her issues. Knowing what happened with our parents, I want to encourage you to really take a proactive approach in your parent’s long term care. It makes financial and emotional sense.