My mom has Alzheimer‘s and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going there and I have to force myself to go see her. Does anyone else have this problem?

I’m involved as an active member on Agingcare.com, if you get a chance to join the community you will see a variety of other caregivers who are experiencing the same thing we are. It’s a great website and people give great advice and sometimes not so great advice. I decided to start a new series of blog posts analyzing some of the comments from the site. It’s a learning experience for me but I think it also sheds light on some of the issues that many caregivers face. Now I realize that this blog deals with issues specifically to my sister and I (and I plan on continuing on that path) but I think it’s good to also see what other caregivers go through. It helps us see things from another angle.

Nevertheless, I was reading posts and a caregiver discussed their negative feelings about visiting their mother at the nursing home. She described her experience as one causing physical anxiety and illness. As  I read through the posts, most people were telling her that it was ok to feel negatively and then went on to describe their own experiences. The common theme that I discovered with all of them was that their parents were verbally abusive to them (via the effects of dementia and prior to the onset of dementia).

It  made me step back and try to put myself in that situation. My mom was a very passionate woman, hot-tempered and could say the meanest things. But I can’t imagine NOT wanting to see her. My mom and I had volatile relationship when I grew up. I’m so much like her it’s scary. But I can tell you that I love my mom so much. She was there for me when I needed her. She had a heart of gold despite the fiery temper —she always meant well. Sometimes I’d be the only would stand up for her when everyone else would be siding with my dad on arguments.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for not really wanting to go visit my parents because I have so much to do during the week with my little girl, my husband, my business. When I really sit back and think about it, I believe it’s because it makes me extremely sad. Sad for them. Sad for their situation and how their lives have ended up (being ill). However, when I get into that mode — I have to remember that it’s a part of life. Yes, I think it’s normal for me to feel that way, but I also know that it’s something I have to accept instead of avoid. I also know that they light up when they see us –especially my daughter. So, even if I can’t stay for the full two hours that I used to, I’ll pop in and out 30 mins, sometimes everyday. I think any time I spend with them is time well spent.

I ended up commenting on that woman’s post. I told her that I understand her viewpoint but at the same time reiterated that time is something that cannot be replaced. I can’t possibly know how she feels or what her relationship is with her mother but I do know that regardless of what past turmoil may have existed, it’s better to do what you can to make things right between you and your parent, especially one who is no longer in control. I think that many of the caregivers that responded to her failed to realize that it is the disease that causes the personality change not the person themselves. It’s easy to react to the person and forget the disease. Hopefully everything works out for her but as you can see, her story is not unique. Do you have a story that’s similar? Do you agree?

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